she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
