So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
