Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Randomize
