i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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