My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
