She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
