Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
