Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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