I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
