rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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