I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
