so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
