Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
