I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
