Just cropdusted the office
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
