I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
