I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
