Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
