If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I think I died a long time ago.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize