Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
