My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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