I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
