Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
