Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
