You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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