fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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