I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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