My sheets look like a crime scene.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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