I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
