So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
