im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
