i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize