i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
