Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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