see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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