I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
