I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
