my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
