4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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