how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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