Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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