im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
