I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
