There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I would ride that face into the sunset
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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