I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
