every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Randomize
