Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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