her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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