yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
