YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The best revenge is premature balding
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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