i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
