it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
