Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Boobs speak an international language.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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