I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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