Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
