It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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