Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
