The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
