Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
