it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
