You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
